How to Stop Attracting Toxic Men (And Finally Break the Pattern)

For a long time, I thought I was just unlucky in love. I’d meet someone who seemed charming, intense, a little complicated—and within weeks, I’d be stuck in another confusing situation, wondering why it always felt like I was giving more than I was getting.

At first, I blamed the universe. Then dating apps. Then men in general. But at some point—probably after crying in my car in a grocery store parking lot at 11 p.m.—I had to ask myself: Am I attracting toxic men… or am I choosing them?

Recognizing the Pattern

I didn’t wake up one day and suddenly figure it out. It took years of messy breakups, inconsistent communication, and those all-too-familiar moments of doubting my own worth. I started noticing that my relationships followed the same arc: fast beginnings, emotional highs, and then slow fades into emotional unavailability, gaslighting, or just straight-up confusion.

This wasn’t about bad luck. This was a relationship pattern. I was stuck in a loop of choosing emotionally unavailable or self-centered men—and calling it “chemistry.”

Turns out, there’s a reason that cycle feels addictive. According to Verywell Mind, we often repeat toxic relationship patterns because our brains crave familiarity, even if it’s unhealthy. If chaos and inconsistency feel like home, we subconsciously seek them out—even when we say we want something different.

“Why Do I Attract Narcissists?”

This is the question I Googled at 2 a.m. more than once. It felt like I was a magnet for men who were charming at first, but ultimately self-absorbed, controlling, or emotionally draining. The kind of guy who starts by calling you his soulmate and ends by ghosting you mid-text conversation.

As Psychology Today explains, people with a strong sense of empathy and a desire to “fix” others are often targets for narcissistic personalities. If you’ve been taught—directly or indirectly—that love is earned by self-sacrifice, it’s easy to confuse emotional labor with connection.

Red Flags I Used to Romanticize

Looking back, the red flags were always there. But I called them passion, mystery, or “he just has a hard time opening up.” Here’s a short list of things I ignored:

He avoided talking about his emotions? “He’s just deep.”
He made fun of me in front of his friends? “He’s playful.”
He said he wasn’t ready for anything serious—after sleeping over three nights a week? “He’s scared of getting hurt.”

I used to mistake inconsistency for excitement. But the truth is, healthy relationships are often… a little boring at first. And I say that in the best possible way. They’re calm. Safe. Grounded. But when you’re used to rollercoasters, peace can feel like disinterest.

What Helped Me Change

Therapy helped, of course. So did journaling. But the biggest shift came when I stopped asking, “How can I get him to like me?” and started asking, “Do I even like him?”

I realized I was auditioning for love—shaping myself into whatever I thought the other person wanted, all while ignoring my own needs. That people-pleasing tendency was rooted in low self-worth. I thought I had to work for love, prove myself, earn it.

Now? I want someone who meets me where I am. Not someone I have to chase, fix, or convince.

Building Self Worth, Brick by Brick

Let’s be honest: self-worth doesn’t magically appear because you read an inspirational quote on Instagram. It’s built slowly, through daily choices. Like:

Not texting first just to feel validated.
Leaving on “read” instead of explaining yourself endlessly.
Walking away from someone who checks all your boxes—except emotional availability.

I started treating myself like someone I loved. I spoke kindly to myself, prioritized rest, celebrated small wins. The more I invested in that relationship—with me—the less interested I became in chasing emotionally unavailable men.

What Healthy Love Actually Looks Like

Healthy love isn’t grand gestures and dramatic fights followed by passionate makeups. It’s consistent effort. It’s being seen, heard, and respected even on the boring Tuesday nights. It’s someone texting you when they said they would, and actually showing up for your plans.

I used to think that kind of love was too plain, too easy. But now I see: real love is not supposed to feel like survival.

So How Do You Stop Attracting Toxic Men?

Here’s what worked for me—feel free to take what resonates:

Awareness. Notice your patterns without judgment.
Boundaries. Not everyone deserves access to you just because they want it.
Discernment. Pay attention to how someone makes you feel after the excitement fades.
Community. Surround yourself with friends who speak the truth in love—and help you raise your standards.

Most importantly: don’t confuse attraction with alignment. Just because there’s chemistry doesn’t mean there’s compatibility.

Final Thoughts

If you keep finding yourself in toxic relationships, I hope this reminds you: it’s not because you’re broken. You’re not “too much.” You’re not hard to love. You just need to believe you deserve the kind of love that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth.

Breaking the cycle isn’t easy. It takes time, support, and a lot of unlearning. But it’s possible. And it’s worth it.

Have you ever felt the same?